hmmm
Interacting with women, especially those of whom I may have any kind of interest in is an extremely painful process for me.

I guess I've pretty much been forced into a-sexualism by circumstance and specific people. It's been close to a year since I've kissed someone and it is extremely rare for me to come into any physical contact with people that isn't in some way violent. It doesn't surprise me though, the girls I have chased had no real concept of things like compassion or tenderness - the exact things that would separate them from 'just a friend'.

Whenever I talk to a girl, my stomach tries to jump out of my stomach and I feel like an idiot for even talking to them. I feel like I'm wasting my breath even saying hello to a girl I'm interested in. Sometimes I will stare at the ceiling and think of all the effort and money I put into trying to share my life with a girl, it fills me with so much confused rage and a deep lost and lonely feeling that I can't truly express.

Sometimes I think it's my fault, that I'm not smart enough, not good looking enough, not funny or charming. I think that it's my fault because I don't have enough money, I don't drive and I don't appear interested enough. All those roads lead to conclusions that seem so self-depreciating that I start to feel bad about feeling bad.

I have to look in the mirror each morning knowing that I'm unlovable.

I am deathly afraid of women and I understand that I will be alone as long as I'm alive.

I say I'm a-sexual so I don't have to explain to anyone the deeper problems that exist.

I see myself as the only thing that's important in the world because looking out for myself only assures that I will, at least some times, feel better.

I often see friends as useless because they don't have the answers to my problems and can't possibly aid me in my most major of dilemmas - I am merely killing time in their company.

I'm a complete fuckup in a lot of ways.

I think about killing myself all the time but I'm too much of a pussy to just pull off and get the job done.

These aren't things I'm just saying, this isn't a fictional piece and I'm not joking around. I'm not feeling sorry for myself either, I've tried to grin and bare it by admitting that in order for some people to win, others have to lose, but no one wants to be a loser. Shifting sideways from that, some would say just running in any kind of race is enough, but in all instances they forget that : The end of the line, defines the line.

These painfully awful facts sit in my mind all the time, it's like having cancer. I'm sorry if I can't help but be heavy or intense, it's the only thing I can hold on to and it sure beats being truthful like this.